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No relationship is perfect. The first thing that is important to consider is that disappointment in a relationship is inevitable. There is, of course, a difference between little or minor disappointments and large-scale disappointments. But even larger-scale disappointments are inevitable. Sometimes, they happen years into the relationship and sometimes they happen in the very first stages. It means that your partner is different from you, may have different experiences, thoughts, feelings, preferences, and desires from you. And at any given time, they may be in a situation where they are not able to be who you want them to be or to behave in a way you want them to behave, for their own often complex and deeply intrapersonal or intrapsychic reasons.
When doing this well, partners feel a softening and tenderness for each other that enables them to initiate some repair and reconnect. Doing this over time will help you develop the pyramid of skills required to help you navigate and address any difficult and challenging situation or conversation with your partner. This will help you develop the three crucial capacities needed to have effective communication in really difficult and trying situations.
It can help you develop the capacity to go internal and identify what you think, feel, want, prefer, desire in real-time; be able to say difficult things to your partner while staying steady, and be able to stay steady when your partner tells you something that is difficult to hear. Unfortunately, most people are actually primed for disappointment in their romantic relationships from the very start. This phenomenon is caused in large part due to a myth that we all subscribe to — Relationships feel good, go smoothly, and fulfill us, almost automatically and if they are not then something is inherently wrong.
To make matters worse, we all have a cognitive bias that le us to blame others for things that are going wrong. For example, when someone cuts us off while driving, we tend to jump to some internal dialogue about how they are selfish, or reckless, etc. We rarely ever think about what may have been going on for that person. Maybe they made a mistake, maybe they are on the way to the hospital, maybe they lost their job, etc. When we apply that same bias to our intimate relationships, we end up disappointed, resentful, and less likely to feel good in the relationship. In order to mitigate a sense of disappointment; some basic ideas need to be adopted:.
You both come to the relationship with a host of good and bad examples, behaviors, and beliefs that you picked up from your family and prior relationships. You must seek the things in life that drive fulfillment. A loving and supportive relationship to fulfillment. Good sex to fulfillment. However, neither of these factors will fill your well completely. Looking inside yourself and working hard to have a fulfilling life will improve your sense of satisfaction across the board.
Often we expect that our partner will magically do the things we want them to, or magically know what we are thinking. Are you putting in what you want to get out? If you want more sex and connection, then foster it. Go back to basics, just like you did when your relationship was just budding. Dress up, pay attention, be kind, be inviting, share your thoughts, ideas, and dreams, etc. Let them know how when they greet you lovingly or bring you coffee in the morning it makes you feel loved.
Disappointment in a relationship is unavoidable. We often come into our relationships with expectations, some of which are subconscious and unidentified. It is normal and common to have moments in which you feel disappointed by something happens with your partner. The experience of disappointment itself is not an issue, it is how you handle it that counts. Here are some things to consider about feeling disappointed:. If you are feeling disappointed, it is a good opportunity to turn inwards and identify what the underlying expectation or home was. For instance, if you notice that you feel disappointed around holidays or your birthday, think about what these events mean to you, how they were handled in your family growing up and what your hopes and expectations are about them now.
Once you understand the underlying cause of the disappointment then you can communicate it with your partner. Disappointment brings about a great opportunity for communication. Sometimes we need to use disappointment as a tool for self-reflection and understanding. If you notice you feel disappointed often, it may be worth considering what your expectations of your partner are and reality checks if they are realistic or not.
It is common to want our partners to behave and do things in very similar ways to ourselves. Human nature is to assume our way is best, but often this can set us up to feel hurt and let down. Working on acceptance for who your partner is and the ways that they are going to be different can often create more space to enjoy the gifts they do provide and shift into a more positive perspective.
Related: Three Keys to a Successful Relationship. Disappointment does not necessarily mean you are with the wrong partner or that you need to take drastic or dramatic action. Stop before you lash out or before you sink into depression. This should be a value that is of paramount importance to you. Ideally, figuring out which core traits and values are most important to you is a prerequisite to finding a partner and this is an exercise work on with my coaching clients very regularly.
So, for example, if one of your most important qualities in a partner is honesty and your disappointment relates to that trait, you will consider your feelings of disappointment very seriously as they relate to continuing your relationship long term. Wait until you are not feeling emotionally activated to communicate about your disappointment, and remember not to put your partner on the defensive.
Talk about the particular action or event that was disappointing, rather than more global criticism of your partner. When handled mindfully in this way, disappointment can actually prove to be an opportunity for the strengthening of the relationship along with valuable personal growth. We all experience disappointment in our romantic relationships.
This disappointment develops from the gap between the relationship that you have and the one that you wish you had and it is something that we all experience but that far too few of us acknowledge is a fundamental aspect of any intimate relationship. When we are thrust into the pain of this disappointment, we too often find ourselves acting in ways that are comfortable, familiar, and, profoundly counterproductive. We want to close the gap and heal the crunch; we want to be close to our partner, we want them to understand what we are feeling, to see things from our point of view, and to validate our experience.
This wish for a shared perspective and reconnection is completely understandable, healthy, and universal. The problem is that what we end up actually doing in our attempt to try to get our partners to understand only ends up driving them further away and getting us even less of what we really want. Let your partner know what you would like them to do, now or in the future that would give you more of what you want. You have no right to complain about what you never asked for. But if you take the time to think about your true goal, connecting and repairing with the person you love, you have a much better chance of getting what you want from your partner.
When your partner comes to you seeking repair a natural response is to counter their position, defend your actions, or tell them the ways you also feel dissatisfied. None of this will help move you back into connection. Instead, listen to truly understand, acknowledge your own behavior, and give your partner as much as you can.
The final steps in the repair process are to express appreciation for everything that your partner has agreed to do for you and, to offer to help your partner deliver on what they have agreed to do. Ask your partner: How can I help you to give me what I want? Express appreciation for your partner. Demonstrate your love, passion, and affection for your partner. Rediscover romance, fun, and new experiences together.
Find time to be fully available and in tune with one another. Focus on the good in your relationship and in your life together. Tr acy Crossley. A lot of times we try to put off disappointment by building false hope or fantasies about getting back together. It is to not dress up the relationship to make it better than it was or different than it was—it is to really see how it was and is—it may hurt, but you get over the disappointment faster by being real with yourself.
Instead, look to yourself, how did you contribute to the relationship? What is it you did or did not do—not so you blame yourself but so you see the truth that two people created the relationship and both were part of why it did not work. Blame means you are always waiting for someone to give you something—like an apology or something which prevents you from moving on.
It is empowering to be aware of what you did or did not do, so you can look at working on it if it is something you feel is a problem. Stop thinking they were the only ones! You want to look at this as something to learn from and that in the future you still have an opportunity.
Carla Marie Manly. It can be difficult to handle disappointments in a relationship, particularly if the relationship is not generally healthy. We often have high expectations that we put on our partners, and sometimes disappointments result from overly high expectations.
Through this process, you can come to accept disappointments and also do your best to avoid similar disappointments in the future. Wyatt Fisher. d Clinical Psychologist Marriage Counselor. Sometimes we become disappointed in relationships because we had unrealistic expectations, to begin with. Doing so will build more compassion towards their behavior.
Then, discuss solutions and ideas to improve it. We spend so much of our vested energy into a relationship and, when we are disappointed or rejected, it can cause a sting to our ego and self-esteem. Of course, it is a normal part of life and not uncommon for our partner to disagree with us, sometimes ignore us or be distracted on occasion.
These experiences happen to all of us and how we handle them is important for our well-being. Sometimes they are having trouble at work, with other friends, are tired, run-down, or have their own mental health issues that are getting in the way. Someone with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder will often look around a restaurant, seemingly distracted but, in fact, they are paying attention to you. The key is to reflect on our partner and realize that it may not be about you. Sometimes it is something that we have done that causes a rift or disappointment. Ask them if you did anything that upset them?
No relationship is ever perfect and we all need to be willing to give an olive branch and meet one another halfway. Having a good supportive network is very valuable and will help us stay connected, but also realizing that other people who will find you interesting exist is also key to your self-esteem.
So, dating other people can minimize the power that your last relationship may have had on you. Patricia Celan.Feeling disappointed in a relationship
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If You’re Feeling Disappointed In Your Relationship, Do These 14 Things